Twenty things and twenty-one mistakes

I remember lying in bed, imagining a sophisticated woman wearing red heels and tight skirt. She has makeup all over her face, her shiny black hair in a bun, and you can almost smell success from her scent. I thought by the time I was 20 I'd be her.

Seven years later and instead... I'm me. I haven't finished college. I have 1.25 per cent--which equates to 3 units of research--left to receive that much-awaited diploma. I am not sexy nor confident. My hair is longer than my arms and it still sticks out no matter how much molding clay I apply. I don't even know how to put makeup on and I don't wear perfume anymore. Success is twenty feet high and I am stuck on the ground. 

My defense mechanism to this dissonance was, of course, to do nothing. All my life, I learnt that by not doing, I couldn't be blamed for anything. I can, however, blame my parents for bringing me into this cruel imperfect world. For so long this was my mindset: I don't like my existence and the responsibilities that came with it.

Eight months--this imperfection troubled me for eight months. I was paralyzed. I needed to rethink my life and thank God--thank God He enlightened me through His words. I know now how my heart is deceitful and how I shall not let it fool me.

I've done twenty things and twenty-one mistakes. I'm willing to accept that, pick myself from the ground, and start again.

Success is not about what people think of me. I am the measure of my success and I don't need my family's, friends', or society's opinion regarding my choices. I am rebuilding myself with this philosophy in mind: I don't need to fit into anyone's preferences. My choices will be wrong, I will stumble again, and I will try again the next day.

This is my imperfect life and I am willing to accept it now--to let it flow freely, knowing that God will be there to support me.